Daily struggles and unfulfilled wishes

                                     

I know that I might sound immature to some extent, talking about my everyday struggles because a lot of us have to deal with way more tough problems in our lives but here it goes anyway.

The biggest fight that I put up with every day is the one that I’ve with myself, starting right from the second I wake up in the morning, to the moment I go to sleep knowing that I lost the person who promised to put up with me for the rest of eternity. Knowing that I can never see him or hug him again. Knowing that a part of me died with him and that I’ll carry that pain in my heart forever shatters me into pieces sometimes.

If there’s a hell on earth for me, this is it. A world without my father. A lot of you might feel I’m exaggerating right now but I wish I was. 

Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because the only picture in my head is one of my father’s last moments in the ICU. A moment that I never imagined would come so soon. 

The thing that hurts me the most is the fact that he waited for a miracle to happen until his very last second.

I had so much faith in him. Believed that, his faith in himself will go against all odds and we would be one big happy family again. He made me believe in the power of positive thinking. He acted as if he was all healthy and happy and not a stage four pancreatic cancer patient. And my dumb self fell for his act. 

I actually thought there was hope and that ray of hope was the only thing that kept me going for the entire year he struggled with cancer. He always believed that God would never be so unfair to him because all he has ever tried to do is earn people’s blessings. 

Cancer was once just a word we were scared of, but now it’s an experience that I can never forget no matter what I try. I’ll never move on from this loss because he can never be replaced. But with time I’ll probably learn how to pull myself through those helpless moments that make me heartache.

                                                    

I know we are not immortals but I just wasn’t ready for life to be so cruel to him. I saw him die bit by bit every day and in the process, I lost every inch of hope I ever had in anything good.

I don’t mean to sound pessimistic but now when something good happens, I’m just too skeptical about it because I know it’s momentary just like everything else in my life. 

All the good things in life are very temporary, but what isn’t temporary is pain, remorse, and guilt. Guilt that I could have been a better daughter. Guilt that we could have stopped things from getting way out of hand. And the list goes on and on.

Some say the whole experience has changed me, but YES it has, from my very core. I’ve seen death. The one fear that keeps everyone alive. And when that happens to a loved one, parts of you vanish into thin air with them. I pray for everyone to be just healthy and happy. I honestly just wish that no one ever gets to see what cancer does to a person and their family.

I know that I’m never gonna get him back or the part of me that I lost but sometimes I just wish I could. I just wish I could go on that bike ride that he once promised me or that I could hear stories about his life that he stored for all the right moments in the future. Sometimes I just wish I got those morning scoldings from him again or if I could just taste his famous and my very favorite mutton curry one more time.

Back when I started writing as a kid, it was a silly time passed that I lost touch with. He always encouraged me to continue but I just couldn’t seem to find the right inspiration. Years later, he’s the one I’m writing about. Or should I say he’s the one I write for because he probably would have wanted me to?

                                                               

And the reason why I’m sharing this today is to let you all know that not every story ends on a happy note. Some have not-so-happy endings and those are actually the ones we have to live with for the rest of our lives. This was one of those but I hope all of us find the courage in ourselves to live through all such unexpected endings that are yet to come in our life.

Yours Truly,
Samadrita 

                                                    

And dad wherever you are today, I just want to tell you that I miss you more and more every day and I just wish you were here. 
With all the love in the world,

Hiya