Life, death and acknowledging the time in between

"Everything in life comes back in a circle"

16.11.2022

Back in school, there used to be this senior, a family friend, who died very unexpectedly. Even though I didn’t know her at all, it forced me to come to terms with how unexpected life can be. She was in 11th grade back then, a healthy & happy individual who was ready to take on the world. I still remember how I came back from school that day and it hit me, “it could have been me for all I know”. There were still so many things my 14year old self aspired to do and the very thought of not getting a shot at it really disturbed me. That night my parents went to visit them and came home late. Even though they didn’t say it out loud but I am very sure that for a moment they also wondered the same thing as me.  

It was all that everyone at my school talked about for a few weeks at least and I think it was because no one actually realized up until that moment that our next moment could be our very last. 

It took me a while but I moved on with my life like it never happened. I buried this entire experience back in my head somewhere until today.

History repeated itself yet again.

Someone in my college passed away very unexpectedly. I didn’t know who she was but it brought back the same feeling I once experience back in school when something similar happened. All of it came back like it happened yesterday. It stirred up emotions and thoughts that I failed to acknowledge. 

More so because in a week’s time, it is my dad’s third death anniversary, and soon after it was his birthday. Even typing that out feels weird even though it has been almost three years.

Ever since his death, this time of the year is very hard. Every winter, my mind goes back to thinking,” oh three years ago, on this day my dad was still here”. One thing that crosses my mind more often than it should is his last days. When he was getting really sick, he lost track of a lot of things including the fact that he wasn’t in a physical state to walk. That day he really wanted to take us out for dinner and his exact words were,” we haven’t gone out for a family dinner in a while, let’s go on a drive and get some dinner”. It broke my heart when we had to make him understand that we can’t do that right now. 

                                   

My dad really wanted to live. He wanted to fight the disease and come back to us. The very thought of not being with his family scared him and every day he used to pray that he will outlive the disease at one point.

Two days after we lost him. He was gone forever. His cancer grew at a rapid rate and typhoid that he contracted led to multiple organ failures. I wasn’t ready to see him in a lifeless state in the hospital ICU and it still haunts me to this very day.

It has been three years since then but the pain of losing him is the same. My life has changed so much in the past few years but every year right before the 24th of November comes closer, I go back to being the same helpless person I once was. It is so hard to put into words why that is but it just is. 

On that note, I also want to share a very happy memory of him that I hold very dear to my heart. Despite the chemotherapy, my dad launched his poetry book on my brother's birthday(1.09.19). It was a very important day for us as a family and celebrated my dad and his work. My dad asked me to perform this Assamese song(Rabha Sangeet) for the occasion which was pretty hard for me to learn in the first place. After a week's practice, I performed it on stage at the book launch. I remember how My mom stood right in front of me when I was performing to show her support as she knew how nervous I was about it and rightly so because I knew how much it meant to both of them. 

After the performance, my dad hugged me and with a huge smile on his face, he said, "You have made me a very proud father today. Thank you". Those words still hold so much value in my life because that was the very last time I heard him say them but at that point, I didn't know that.

My mom still tells me sometimes how proud he was of me that day and so was she. On days that I feel otherwise, I try to go back to this exact moment in time.

On his third death anniversary this year, I pray that he is in a better place and for myself so that I can muster up the strength to remember the good days I had with him instead of letting the bad memories haunt me. 

Yours truly,

Samadrita